Friday, 29 December 2006

Lily urges you to help find pet - 29th December,,4-2006600352,00.html

"Lily has been hit by the heartbreaking news while on holiday in Jamaica and immediately asked my army of Bizarre readers to help find her ailing pet."

Never one to shy away from clawing for a bit of kudos when it comes to someone else's misery, Vicky wasn't asked for "my army" to help out, as this entire article is just paraphrased and/or quoted from Lily's latest MySpace blog entry.

Thursday, 28 December 2006

Madge masters sm-all talk - 28th December,,4-2006600172,00.html

Could someone be winding Vicky up? Today she's reporting that Madge has learned a Malawi lullaby to sing to baaaaby Daaaavid called "Gona Mana". This does translate as "sleep child", but "gona" also means "to lie" and MANA is the widely-used acronym for the Malawi News Agency...

Saturday, 23 December 2006

Merry Christmas,,4-2006590518,00.html

Lots of love from Vicky and Adobe Photoshop. xxx

(PS - this is the original image of Vicky)

Friday, 22 December 2006

Some Might Sway - 22nd December

Noel Gallagher Game

"THANKS to his love of booze, Noel Gallagher's 2006 has been Definitely Mayhem. That's why readers of Bizarre have voted Oasis's reborn rogue their Caner of the Year. To celebrate, we've created a lager-than-life new game based on Noel's beery antics."

Aside from once again claiming that Bizarre readers had anything at all to do with choosing the winner of Caner of the Year (see yesterday), it's interesting to note the phrases "we've created" and "new game" used to describe what looks remarkably like a direct copy of this 2 year-old Swiss game called Home Run 2004. With Noel Gallagher's head stuck on it. Let's hope the original creators were paid for their source code.

Mine Mine Mine


It's a super special "my snapper" overload today in Bizarre. First off we have my pictures of Victoria Beckham with visible breasts (by the way Vicky, the giveaway picture credit to Xposure links to the wrong website - this is the one you want.)

My snappers caught Martine McCutcheon in the middle of blinking, which apparently is evidence of her being steaming drunk (which isn't really what the other picture suggests.)

My snappers also took a picture of a celebrity eating food.

Finally, my snappers took my picture (i.e. SplashNews and SplashNews' picture) of Drew Barrymore with her mouth open, leading to a whole pun-laden piece speculating that Drew was singing Christmas carols.

Posh tells why she had it off - 21st December,,4-2006590170,00.html

"EXCLUSIVE. VICTORIA BECKHAM has revealed why she cut her hair off — so she can have more SEX with hubby DAVID. She giggled: “David prefers my hair short. With hair extensions you can be in the midst of passion and one flies out."

Exclusive? How does that work when Victoria Beckham said virtually the same thing on GMTV nearly 2 months ago?

UPDATE 23rd December: The "Exclusive" red box at the top of this piece has now been removed...

Kas-tonbury headliners ready - 22nd December,,4-2006590364,00.html

"TOM MEIGHAN has confirmed that KASABIAN will headline Glastonbury 2007 — and I’m already really excited. The singer broke the great news to me as he left the aftershow party following his band’s triumphant gig at London’s Earls Court this week. He said: “The next time we’ll see each other in this state will be at Glastonbury. I can’t wait.”"

He also broke the news to every person in the audience at the same gig. As he left the stage, he said "This has been the best gig we have ever done, I swear to God. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. We'll see you at Glastonbury yeah." He's also ended several other concerts prior to this with the same words recently. But he hasn't mentioned anything about them headlining - that is as yet unconfirmed.

50 Cent joined Da Club at 12 - 22nd December,,2004580002-2006590260,00.html

"RAPPER 50 CENT has revealed how he lost his virginity at just 12-years-old when an older woman seduced him."

Odd little piece on 50 Cent having sex with an adult when he was a child. No moralising intended, but just because this is a male celebrity, how come The Sun isn't screaming it's head off playing the usual BURN THE PEEDOS! card on this occassion?

Thursday, 21 December 2006

Gongs Gone Wrong - 21st December,,4-2006590175,00.html

There's something rather fishy about this year's Bizarre Reader's Poll.

Voting for the poll opened 2 weeks ago on December 7th. From what Vicky implies, the polls closed yesterday (she refers to Noel Gallagher's antics in the early hours of Wednesday morning as "in the final closing hours of my poll" - more on that below).

"But only YOU can decide who wins." said Vicky.


Take a look at today's picture of Vicky presenting Justin Timberlake with his award. Now take a look at the picture of her meeting him in Copenhagen at the MTV EMAs on November 2nd. They're both wearing exactly the same clothes. Justin's tie is even loosened to the same degree. Sprinkle a little bit of Photoshop magic to get rid of the background and hey presto! But how could he possibly be receiving this award when the polls didn't even open until 5 weeks later? Curiouser and curiouser.

And I'm sure it's just a coincidence that when presenting Take That with their awards, Vicky wore exactly the same outfit, complete with chunky necklace, as when she spent the day with them back in November.

The picture of Madonna looking like she's just been handed two plates of poo was taken backstage at the British Comedy Awards on December 13th (same outfit, same hair) only 6 days after the voting started, and a full week before the polls supposedly closed.

Noel Gallagher apparently won his Caner of the Year award by putting up "such a good fight in the final closing hours of my poll". Vicky then goes on to tell us about his alleged antics in the early hours of yesterday morning (December 20th) and how they "clinched it" for him, suggesting a last-minute rush of votes as a result. But if this was a public vote, and his antics hadn't been reported anywhere until now (certainly not in The Sun) then how could the public be swayed by any of this? For "my poll" read "my decision".

It's really quite appropriate that the backgrounds of all the photos have been removed to give them that clean uniformity. You could say there has been a bit of a whitewash.

Now a couple of other clangers. These are either celebrities being thick, or Vicky just making up quotes as she goes along - I'll let you make up your own mind.

Noel Gallagher: "If she [Sarah Harding] wins Caner of the Year instead of me, it will be worse than ENGELBERT HUMPERDINK [sic] beating THE BEATLES to Christmas No 1 in 1967."

The Beatles were Christmas number one in 1967. The single Engelbert had out at the time, "The Last Waltz", had already been number one during September and October that year, and was on its way out of the Top 20 by Christmas. Engelbert did, however, beat them to number one earlier in the year with "Release Me". Perhaps "Noel" was so drunk that he got confused.

"TAKE THAT told me they weren't too bothered about winning Brits when they could win REAL awards voted for by the people who matter - Sun readers. MARK OWEN said: "We've won seven Brit Awards over the years, but we can only find three of them. I don't know where the others have gone.""

Take That have won four Brit Awards, not seven. But of course they were industry awards, not voted for by REAL people. Apart from those won by public vote. Which was all four of them.

Who's bursting with pride? - 19th December,,2004580002-2006580537,00.html

"LATINO actress SALMA HAYEK looks anything but ugly at a press conference for her new TV show Ugly Betty. Salma - an executive producer on the show - turns up in several episodes as unattractive (errr) secretary Sofia Reyes."

By "unattractive secretary" we can only assume Vicky means "sexy Editor-in-Chief who one of the male leads falls in lust with". Look at the photo above (if you can, obviously Salma, on the right, looks hideous) to see where Vicky went wrong this time.

(thanks to bryan for the pointer!)

Wednesday, 20 December 2006

Page 3 girls do the Chacarron - 20th December,,2004580002-2006590104,00.html

"THERE'S no doubt about it - EL CHOMBO'S mumbled tune Chacarron is one of the weirdest single releases of all time. The song is a hot contender for the No1 spot this Christmas and ANDY'S groovy moves have sparked a dance craze across the nation."

Vicky has been telling us for a couple of months now how this track is a "hot contender" for the Christmas number one ("I've been informed it's set to top the charts at Christmas.") and seemingly ignored the behemoth of the X-Factor winner's single, which only a fool would dismiss as the guaranteed chart-topper.

She frequently blabbers on about midweek sales in her column, and yet comments like today's get in there in spite of the fact that if she even glanced at the current sales, she'd see El Chombo isn't even in the Top 5.

Arctics go all Dizzee - 20th December,,4-2006580781,00.html

"Alex and guitarist Matt are huge fans of rap and R&B."

Whatever You Say He Is, That's What He's Not. Matt Helders is the drummer.

Ricci: I'll never wear fur again - 20th December,,2004580002-2006580720,00.html

"FUR may be in fashion for some celebs, but actress CHRISTINA RICCI has pledged never to wear it again after fans turned on her. Christina was named People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals' (PETA) Worst Dressed Celebrity of 2006 and now she's desperate to make amends."

Actually, no, she was listed as one of the worst dressed - number three between Ashley Olsen and Eva Longoria in fact, before she made her peace with PETA and was removed from the list.

Now how could you find out who DID win Worst Dressed Celebrity? Take a look at this screenshot and see if you can pick up any clues. Yes, it's the "Nicole is PETA's Worst Dressed" article, which, you've guessed it, was in the Bizarre column recently.

Monday, 18 December 2006

Tim Burton Strikes Back - 18th December

"Ms Newton, may we have a word...?",,4-2006580443,00.html

Despite Vicky's joking tone in the above article, it seems Tim Burton's words have carried some weight over at the Bizarre cupboard - the original article, in which Vicky lied about Sacha Baron Cohen's singing on the forthcoming Sweeney Tood film, has been removed from The Sun's website. I'm sure a few threats from Paramount didn't go amiss either. Wouldn't do the Showbiz Reporter of the Year much good to be frozen out by a major film studio, would it?

Saturday, 16 December 2006

Well there we have it.

Another successful Bizarre campaign, courtesy of our favourite journalist. Maybe, given time, she'll be able to erase Leona's victory from her mind, as she seemed to do with that of Will Young earlier today.

Victoria Newton; when she talks, people listen. (To someone else.)

'Only Ray has the 'X' appeal' - 16th December,,4-2006580290,00.html

"I’M backing Ray to claim the X Factor crown tonight because this is more than a singing competition — it’s a search for the best performer. Leona could shine brighter if she goes it alone, like WILL YOUNG when GARETH GATES won Pop Idol and LEMAR after DAVID SNEDDON (who?) won Fame Academy."

Sorry, when who won Pop Idol? Are you quite sure about that, Vicky? Oh you must be, you're clearly the absolute expert when it comes to reality show winners. After all, you've been backing Ray since the start. Sorry, I mean since Monday this week.

(Screenshot of article in case of future changes.)

Friday, 15 December 2006

Bond bosses want killer theme - 14th December,,4-2006570744,00.html

"The eyeliner-wearing frontman from THE KILLERS is about to be added to the long list of divas who have lent their lungs to a Bond movie theme. Brandon, guitarist DAVE KEUNING, drummer RONNIE VANNUCCI and bassist MARK STOERMER have been asked to start writing an anthem for the next 007 movie."

Had to wait a day for this one, but here we go:

A British newspaper is reporting that the Las Vegas rockers The Killers are being considered for a major musical role in the next James Bond film. That's news to Robert Reynolds, The Killers' manager, who said, "We've not been approached, but obviously any opportunity would be seriously considered."

So, once again, a totally fabricated story.

(Quote source: The Las Vegas Review Journal)

Peaches tells porkies on ID - 15th December

Click pic for bigger,,4-2006580136,00.html

"I've mocked up ... Peaches and her doctored passport" says the caption under the picture on the Sun's website.

You'd hope that when Peaches did her own doctoring, she'd have managed to get her date of birth right (16th March). Passports need to have your full name on them, so the Photoshop "wizard" missed out
Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa, which are her other middle names. And you don't get 7 year passports.

I know it's meant to be a fake one, but come on...

The Week of Leona vs Ray

After a week of articles such as this, this, and this, all part of the latest "my campaign" backing Ray Quinn as the winner of the X-Factor final tomorrow night, what's the best way to give a final rally-call to the troops?

How about having his rival Leona in the office, telling us how great she is, and devoting the day's main article to her? Could the sudden ignoring of Ray have anything to do with this tell-tale line in the Leona article?

"Leona, from tough Hackney in London, is the favourite in my poll to beat cheeky Scouser RAY QUINN to the talent show crown."

Nice to see Vicky sticks to what she believes in and doesn't let the opinion of others sway her. From the video clip accompanying the article, Ray was obviously there at the same time, so I can exclusively reveal that Vicky will be switching back to Ray tomorrow. Probably. Depends how the poll is looking.

UPDATE 16/12: Yep, as predicted (sorry, "as I exclusively predicted yesterday") Ray is back in focus, with this puke-inducing article today. Using your sick, hospitalised granny to gain sympathy - classy!

Thursday, 14 December 2006

Sacha is Boraxed from flick - 14th December,,4-2006570740,00.html

"SACHA BARON COHEN’S singing has been slashed from new movie Sweeney Todd — because it is so terrible. Sound rehearsals and recordings are under way but Sacha struggled to pull off a convincing operatic performance for the many songs his character has. So Burton decided [to] chop them — and to allow Sacha to “rap” his tunes. A source on the production revealed: "Pirelli is a notoriously demanding role with some difficult songs."

Let's take a look at who sings what in the stage musical, and count the "many songs" Adolfo Pirelli has, shall we?, wait. Stop there.


Such a demanding role with only one solo which lasts approximately 2 minutes, and (apologies in advance for the spoiler) a relatively fleeting character who dies before the story is even halfway through. In fact Cohen will only be required on set for 3 weeks. The song, "The Contest", does have the odd operatic moment, but is more 'rapped' (i.e. spoken-singing style) than anything anyway.

Take a look for yourself.

Jolie: I feed my son on insects - 14th December,,4-2006570757,00.html

Another misnamed "Exclusive" by one of Vicky's underlings, Emma Pryer. Not sure what is exclusive about this story, considering there is an example of Angelia saying she eats insects as far back as July 2003.

This "Exclusive" is also nicked from the latest edition of Star magazine in the US, and was paraphrased on the net a good few hours before The Sun ran it.

Tuesday, 12 December 2006

Exclusive Rocky Balboa trailer - 11th December,,2004580002-2006570317,00.html

"VIDEO EXCLUSIVE. I'VE got an early Christmas present for all you SYLVESTER STALLONE fans out there. I've got my hands on the world exclusive trailer of the star's eagerly-anticipated movie ROCKY BALBOA."

This "world exclusive" is also available






13 different places Here

or Here

You get the idea. The trailer was first available on the net around a month ago.

Unbelievably, the image above has been added to the Bizarre homepage today. The mind boggles.

Thursday, 7 December 2006

Biz Bites - Wham! - 7th December

Funny, then, that it's available as a digital download right now from 5 different albums in iTunes alone, and is currently at numbers 28 and 87 in their download chart. Or you could try Napster. Or HMV Digital. Or Connect (Sony's download site). They've all got it.

Justin performs at undies show - 7th December,,2004580002-2006560511,00.html

"JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE performed on stage at a VICTORIA'S SECRETS [sic] lingerie show in Los Angeles on Tuesday night."

Obviously by "Tuesday night" Vicky means "Thursday November 16th" which is when the show actually happened. It was broadcast on TV in America on Tuesday, but it was far from live.

"Picture Exlcusive" the article shouts. Yes, aside from all those pictures that have been circulating around the internet for three weeks.

And the world-famous lingerie company is called Victoria's Secret - no extra "s" on the end, as she has used twice in the article.

Tuesday, 5 December 2006

Jordan pregnant for the...? 5th December.,,2004580002-2006560343,00.html

Jordan became pregnant by Dane Bowers (first) but had an abortion. She then had her first son, Harvey, (second), then another son, Junior, (third), the unfortunate miscarriage in the summer (fourth) and now this pregnancy...go on Vicky, you can work it out...fifth! Whether she carried the child to full term or not isn't the issue - it's not the third time Jordan has been pregnant.

George Clooney's pig passes on - 5th December


Poor George, his pig has died. See the photos above for a pic of George and Max hanging out together. Click on them to make them bigger. Look at that lovely dark brown-all-over pig. Cute.

Now look at the one Victoria Newton has captioned as Max Clooney.,,2004580002-2006560172,00.html


(Link: Screencap of original article in case of change!)

Eddie: Prove baby is mine - 5th December,,4-2006560232,00.html

Now fair enough, this isn't written by Vicky, but one of "my team". However, they're stretching use of the term "Exclusive" a bit considering this story was all over the net hours before appearing on The Sun's website, and originally appeared on yesterday afternoon (the source credited by the majority of other outlets carrying this story).

"He was asked about the affair while promoting his new movie Dreamgirls last night. Murphy told an interviewer in New York: “You’re being presumptuous, because we're not together any more. And I don’t know whose child that is, until it comes out and has a blood test. You shouldn’t jump to conclusions, sir.”"

It wasn't last night, it was over the weekend, and during a broadcast on Dutch television. If you're going to steal stories and claim them as exclusive, at least get the details right. And although this next quote comes from a PR person, it's worth noting that his representatives say "Mr. Murphy does not discuss his personal life publicly, so whatever is being reported is a fabrication and did not occur."

UPDATE: You've got to admire Vicky's gall sometimes. Today (7th December) she writes "The ex-Spice Girl only learned of her split from funnyman Eddie when she was told about his comments in The Sun this week." Yes, because nowhere else was carrying those comments, were they? Apart from every other major news agency on the planet.

Monday, 4 December 2006

Beyonce to pose for gay mag - 4th December,,2004580002-2006560150,00.html

"BEYONCE KNOWLES oftens appears on magazine covers - but her latest shoot is one you wouldn't expect. The much lusted-after singer is set to grace the front of America's leading gay magazine - Instinct."

If Vicky had bothered to even look at the magazine cover, she would see it was just an outtake from the cover shoot of Beyonce's current album "B'Day". So she won't be posing for them, nor is it her latest shoot. But at least she managed to easily lift all the quotes from the press release to pad the article out, eh?

Sunday, 3 December 2006

Siobhan Donaghy vs Mutya Buena - Update

Following this fabricated story last week, Siobhan Donaghy has responded with this message on her official forum:

Hi everyone

There will by no means be any kind of chart battle. Me and Mutya have been in contact and never really had a fall out in the first place! I support her in her solo project as it's hard work out there on your own without any extra pressure! Our projects will be released at totally seperate times, for no other reason than to line them up would be complicated, and silly. I've heard some of her material and doesn't her voice just sound amazing!

Hope that's cleared that up.


Yes, Siobhan, it has.

(Quote source: Siobhan Donaghy Official Forum [7th post down])

Saturday, 2 December 2006

Dopes put junkie Pete on cover - 2nd December,,4-2006551043,00.html

A rather Daily Mail-esque rant about Pete Doherty being on the cover of Vogue from Vicky today.

Less than a month ago, after Kate n Pete had attended the magazines' 90th birthday party, Vicky said "Cover girl Kate and her dapper-looking man Pete spent the night holding hands and chatting at the event at London’s swanky Serpentine Gallery." So at that point he was dapper.

The day after that comment she was bigging up Pete's work for the Gio-Goi label, giving us "fantastic" exclusive behind the scenes footage and telling us how great he was as a model. A national newspaper columnist giving positive coverage to a drug user? "
I personally think its disgusting that he is held up as an icon of beauty and cool — no matter how talented he is." (Your words Vicky, not mine!)

Finally, she writes "
Last year Pete was due to release a song recorded with Kate called La Belle Et La Bete — roughly translated as Beauty And The Beast. The couple planned to release the song with copies of Vogue." The song was released, it's the first track on the Babyshambles album 'Down In Albion'.

Friday, 1 December 2006

Bizarre Podcast - 1st December,,2006180011-2006550949,00.html

"IT may sound like an unlikely collaboration on paper - but GWEN STEFANI'S new song with KEANE keyboard man TIM RICE-OXLEY is a winner. And the ONLY place you can hear it - along with a second exclusive track from superstar Gwen's upcoming second solo album - is in my Bizarre Podcast."

Despite the fact that the entire album leaked onto hundreds of websites and file-sharing services nearly a fortnight ago, this is the ONLY place to hear it apparently. Or you could always try YouTube, where it has been available to listen to since November 21st.

Kim goes Wilde over Elton - 1st December,,4-2006550806,00.html

Rather weird article. Vicky makes sure we know how unimportant Kim is these days -

"elder stateswoman of cheesy pop", "frumpy Kim, now a gardening expert", "But Kim, who also works as the face of a healthfood store chain"

but conveniently forgets to mention that Kim has also just released a new album and a couple of singles in Europe, where she is experiencing something of a comeback. And of course she's so not newsworthy that, er, she's the focus of your lead article for the day. Hmm.

UPDATE: Thanks to Lost Boy for pointing out another example of Vicky's lack of research - Kim is no longer the face of Holland & Barrett, the 'healthfood store chain' mentioned.