Friday, 16 November 2007

VickyWatch: Mission Complete

The time has come. After nearly making it to a whole year, VickyWatch is being laid to rest. I think the job has been done. It got press attention, important people read it, The Sun monkeys changed their stories after checking it every day. It's even going to be in a TV documentary soon.

I was going to write a piece tomorrow saying how there hadn't been any mistakes this week, and then EXCLUSIVELY REVEAL that it's because Vicky is on holiday at the moment. But then today it was announced that she is leaving the Bizarre column for pastures new. Sort of. Incredibly, despite years of incompetence, mistakes and lies, Vicky has been promoted to Head of Features and Entertainment. At some point soon you'll be reading Gordon Smart's Bizarre. This is Gordon Smart:

Go here and you can see more pics of shirtless Gordon, and also a photo of his wife in bed asleep. (EDIT: Except you can't now, because he's deleted the photos - check out his MySpace instead.) So good luck to Gordon. I hope I don't have to start a blog for you too...

Of course good luck to Vicky as well. It just goes to show that at The Sun, it doesn't matter how many lies you tell or how bad you are at your job, a great pair of tits is always a winner.

Au revoir!


Tuesday, 6 November 2007

Biker girl Brit gets touched up - 6th November

"BRITNEY SPEARS is almost unrecognisable in this newly released promotional shot for her upcoming album Blackout. Blackout - which entered the UK charts at No2 on Sunday - is set to go to No1 in the American Billboart chart this weekend and has become Britney's fastest selling album ever in the UK."

So this is an upcoming album which went on sale last Monday? Okay...

For "newly released" read "one of the photos which is in the CD booklet" - see here.

Monday, 5 November 2007

Ronan and lads reunion tour - 5th November

Ronan Keating's website, Sunday 4th November: There have been lots of Boyzone rumours flying around lately. I always said you would be the first to know of any news, so... On Friday 16th November the five members of Boyzone will be reforming for a special exclusive performance for the BBC's 'Children In Need' show!!

Vicky on the Sun website, Monday 5th November: The Boyz – or should that be Men – are reuniting to play at BBC’s Children In Need this month, where they will perform a medley of old hits. And lead singer RONAN KEATING chose his favourite showbiz column to break the happy news in a phone call to me yesterday.

Friday, 2 November 2007

Download FREE Minogue mix - 2nd November

"The Ozzy pop rocket releases her tenth collection X on November 26, but if you can’t wait that long I’ve got my hands on a nifty mega-mix of fresh songs that should conclusively whet your appetite."

Ozzy? Anyway... "I've got my hands on" Well it's taken you a while, Vicky, as Kylie has been offering it free from her own website since Monday. In fact the page Kylie had is just like yours minus the gratuitous Sun logos...

Thursday, 1 November 2007

'Mucca's a compulsive liar' - 1st November

It was set in stone that the moment Heather Mills started to rant about tabloid lies that one journalist would immediately get on the defensive. Yep, our Vicky. It was hard not to overdose on irony this morning reading Vicky's equally barmy tirade.

"The fact is she’s told so many lies that I’m sure she is now unable to tell fact from fiction."

I really think this needs to be the new quote at the top of the page, don't you?

Saturday, 27 October 2007

Take That star's hospital agony - 27th October

A statement was published on Take That's official website yesterday, informing people that band member Howard Donald was in hospital and wouldn't be taking part in last night's show in Vienna.

This, somehow, not only got turned into an EXCLUSIVE by Vicky, but has ended up on the front page of the newspaper as the day's main story. Now, is it an exclusive because no-one else had the story, or an exclusive because no-one in their right mind would consider a story about a member of a reformed boyband being injured as being more important that any other news story in the entire world? I think it just shows quite how low The Sun is sinking.

Wednesday, 24 October 2007

New Brit tracks on The Sun - 23rd October

"BRITNEY SPEARS is back. And this is the only place on the entire planet you can listen to FIVE tracks from her new album."

Yes...apart from the website linked on the bottom of the media player -

which is where it has been pilfered from in the first place.

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

New Spice Girls track leaked - 23rd October

"THE new SPICE GIRLS single Headlines was leaked on the internet yesterday – weeks before the planned release. The girls’ label EMI called in legal eagles to get the audio recording taken off YouTube. But SPORTY, POSH, GINGER, SCARY and BABY kindly let me have the first full listen to the track yesterday. And I can reveal it is classic Spice ballad material in the style of 2 Become 1 – their No1 from 1996."

The full track has not leaked on the internet, it was a 30-second clip which was legally given to the website in the US. People then ripped this clip and uploaded it to YouTube.

But if the full song had leaked, which Vicky is claiming, then that means people would have heard it. So how can she have had the "first full listen"? That doesn't even make sense.

Friday, 19 October 2007

Shaun takes on X Factor winner - 19th October

"SHAUN THE SHEEP is hot to trot to land this year's festive chart-topper, I can reveal. And WALLACE & GROMIT's pal could be the main challenger to the winner from the X Factor herd because I hear his track Life's A Treat is not half baa-d. And he has had words of encouragement from comic VIC REEVES - his voice in 1995's Oscar-winning short film Wallace and Gromit in A Close Shave."

Where to start? "I's not half baa-d" - an opinion that could be formed by any 3 year-old who watches the Shaun the Sheep TV series, as "Life's A Treat" is the theme tune.

Vic Reeves didn't do Shaun's voice in A Close Shave - Shaun doesn't speak, and never has. He just bleats.

The Vic Reeves connection is that he performs "Life's A Treat", and it will be Vic who actually performs the Christmas single - so it won't even be Shaun the Sheep in the running for the Christmas number one, it'll be Vic Reeves.

Ewe need to do better research, Vicky.

Amy arrested by Norway cops - 19th October

Ooh, naughty naughty! No, not Amy, I mean Danielle Lawler, sticking EXCLUSIVE on this article which was published this morning, when it was the HolyMoly website which broke the story at around 8pm last night. Websites from New York to Melbourne have credited Holy Moly for it, but not our good old Bizarre column!

Monday, 15 October 2007

Hear Orson's new album first - 15th October

"ORSON return next Monday with a brand new album, but you can listen to it here first. I’ve got my hands on Culture Vultures before anyone else on the planet and am streaming the entire 11 track collection below."

Anyone else on the planet? So how did Female First review it last week? Or you could go along to 7Digital, where you can also listen to previews of every track.

Razorlight future is uncertain - 15th October

THE future of RAZORLIGHT doesn’t look too sharp – I can reveal JOHNNY BORRELL is working on solo projects. Another insider told me: “It’s been on the cards for a while because no one can stand working with him. The band are on the brink of splitting up – everybody just wants to move on now.”

FemaleFirst, August 28th:
Rocker JOHNNY BORRELL's RAZORLIGHT bandmates are begging him to release a solo record - because he's too creative for one band. Borrell is so obsessed with music, drummer Andy Burrows fears he'll explode if he can't find other ways to express himself. Burrows says, "I really wish he would do a solo record. He's got material coming out of his ears, that goes does not stop working. He writes on tour, he writes in his sleep, he writes all the bloody time. There's so much great stuff."

Saturday, 13 October 2007

Brit's a hit with raunchy album - 13th October

"Last month I told you I’d had the first listen to the album and it was actually quite good. Now I can reveal the cover and tracklist."

Let's translate this:

"Last month I copied a 3 week-old article from Entertainment Weekly and listened to some songs on YouTube and told you I'd had the first listen to the album. Now despite having listened to it before, I'm only now telling you the tracklist, even though if I'd already heard the album, I should have been able to reveal the tracklist two weeks ago - right? Oh, and by "I can reveal" I actually mean "I cut and pasted this from the numerous celebrity blogs which had it on Friday afternoon.""

Thursday, 11 October 2007

Rock stars Q up to bore us - 10th October

"SADLY, this year’s Q Awards heralded one of the most uneventful evenings ever for good old-fashioned rock ’n’ roll behaviour. Monday night could only muster some four letter words from STEREOPHONICSKELLY JONES and SIR PAUL McCARTNEY and — DAMON ALBARN aside — a bit of mild boozing."

'Evenings'? 'Monday night'? Was Vicky at the same awards as everyone else? Because the ones she is reporting on were over and done with by 3pm. Even the BBC website had a rundown of the winners by 3:30pm.

Tuesday, 2 October 2007

'Eva Longoria' sex tape on web - 1st October,,2004580002-2007450554,00.html

'Showbiz Exclusive' - or story doing the rounds since last Thursday. It's a fine line!

Saturday, 29 September 2007

First listen of Britney album - 29th September,,4-2007450301,00.html

"But I’m the first journalist in the world to hear her new album and I can tell you — BRITNEY’s back, bitch!"

This one's a classic. It's a WORLD EXCLUSIVE. Our very own Vicky has had the world's first listen to the new Britney album. She's so excited by it that she's only managed to review three of the tracks though, and name two of the others. Which is a bit weird.

Or could it be that at the moment, only five tracks have been confirmed for the album, and, er, four of them were reviewed by Entertainment Weekly nearly 3 weeks ago? And which tracks were they given to listen to? Oh! It's Piece of Me, Radar, Break the Ice and Heaven on Earth - funnily enough the exact same songs Vicky mentions!

Entertainment Weekly:
'Piece of Me' kicks off with her standard breathy-sexy growl over a thumping hook: ''I'm Mrs. American dream/ Since I was 17.'' Then things get darker: ''I'm Mrs. Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous/I'm Mrs. 'Oh my God, that Britney's shameless'/ I'm Mrs. 'Extra, extra, this just in' / I'm Mrs. 'She's too fat, now she's too thin.'''

Vicky: It opens with the line: “I’m Mrs American Dream, since 17, they want a piece of me.” The chorus really hits home with a message about the crazy publicity circus surrounding the fallen pop princess. She sings: “I’m successful, rich and famous, I’m Mrs Oh My God I’m Britney Shameless, I’m Mrs Extra, Extra, This Just In, I’m Mrs She’s Too Big, She’s Too Thin.”

"Ah, but Vicky has lyrics to 'Heaven on Earth' which EW didn't publish!" I hear you cry. Well, it's pretty easy - the song has been floating around the internet for about a month. Have a listen yourself, and then click on 'more' where it says "This is a leaked demo..." and you too can copy and paste lyrics into any document you like.

So I think we can surmise from this that Vicky hasn't heard the new album at all, or certainly no more than is already publicly available.

Saturday, 22 September 2007

Char gives birth to baby girl - 22nd September,,4-2007440185,00.html

"CHARLOTTE CHURCH is the proud mother of a baby girl — but was told she was expecting a boy."

Really? So how come 3 weeks ago, Bizarre printed this:

"GUTTED CHARLOTTE CHURCH wanted to call her baby Ava — but MYLEENE KLASS beat her to it. Charlotte and lover GAVIN HENSON, 25, may call the tot Lucius if it is a boy."

So why would they be 'gutted' at not being able to use a girl's name if they had been told they were expecting a boy, as Vicky's lackey is claiming today? One of the stories is a lie, it seems.

Kylie's new album is X-rated - 22nd September,,4-2007440152,00.html

"Kylie’s X, her first studio album in four years, will be released on November 10"

Considering this whole article has been written off the back of a press release that went out yesterday, you'd think Vicky could get the date right - the album comes out on November 26th. Screenshot.

Tuesday, 18 September 2007

Never Mind, It's Bollocks

Poor Vicky, must have got confused between two places! But what's 200 miles between venues, eh? It's been changed now, of course.

On another note, let's have a look at what Vicky's rivals over at the Mirror, the 3AM Girls, have to say today.

"Which gossipmonger who's been harping on about celebs being banned from the Chateau Marmont hotel, has a life ban from the LA hotspot herself? She was shown the door after angering staff there last year."


Friday, 14 September 2007

I love Kylie's two hearts - 14th September,,4-2007420803,00.html

"KYLIE MINOGUE has chosen Bizarre-backed 2 Hearts as her new single. The Pop Princess listened to my advice and decided it should be the first release from her forthcoming album."

Yes, Vicky is actually claiming credit for helping Kylie and her record company decide what to release as a single. Despite the fact that fan sites and music forums have been abuzz with the knowledge that this would be the case for weeks now. For instance, a post on the Popjustice forum on August 28th - which Vicky caught up with 3 days later.

I suspect Vicky is excited because she was mentioned in the official press release which went out yesterday: "Writing of the song, The Sun's Victoria Newton recently said: "It is a surefire No. 1, a classic Kylie song you won't stop humming. Expect her to hit No. 1 in both charts when the single and album are released in November.""

Britney shows she's a bad girl - 14th September,,2007420794,00.html

Picture EXCLUSIVE, huh? "My exclusive picture". Shame that this was released on September 6th by MTV as a promo shot for Britney's appearance at the VMAs... Even this Britney fansite had it 8 days ago.

Thursday, 13 September 2007

How To Create An Exclusive by James Clench,,4-2007420631,00.html


1) Story from yesterday's People Magazine
2) Some pills
3) A vivid imagination

Funny how Britney went ballistic at her hairdresser "moments before" her performance, and yet there was still time to call a doctor, for the doctor to arrive, prescribe medication (which he happened to have with him), for her to take it and for it to take effect in her body.

Wednesday, 12 September 2007

Madge is Queen of Poppins - 12th September,,4-2007420424,00.html

So here we have yet another fake EXCLUSIVE from the Bizarre stable. This tale of Madonna walking around with a strap-on in a bag was first on Just Jared on MONDAY. And yet somehow, 48 hours later, a Vicky Lackey (TM) decides this is a story no-one else has. Except for every celebrity blog on the planet.

Wednesday, 5 September 2007

P Diddy's fury at drugs slurs - 5th September,,4-2007410314,00.html

Second non EXCLUSIVE of the day from a Vicky lackey. Nicking stuff from HolyMoly doesn't exactly scream "I GOT THIS FIRST", does it?

Kate's dating a new rocker - 5th September,,4-2007410346,00.html

Time for one of Vicky's lackeys to claim EXCLUSIVE today. Not so much an exclusive as the lengthening of a story that already appeared in the Sunday Mirror three days ago. The print edition also carried the same photo that appears in today's Sun. The lackey manages to name the man (wow, three days to find that out - good sleuthing) and get a different "source". But this is hardly the stuff EXCLUSIVES are made of is it?

Tuesday, 4 September 2007

Are Sugababes in strife again? - 4th September,,4-2007410139,00.html

"ALL is not sweetness and light in the SUGABABES camp.
I hear the girls could be poised for yet ANOTHER change to their line-up. KEISHA BUCHANAN and HEIDI RANGE held a crisis summit about the future of new girl AMELLE BERRABAH after a string of blazing rows in the recording studio. And it seems Amelle’s days could be numbered after the girls arranged secret auditions for a new member to join the group."

A few hours later on the official Sugababes website:

"Contrary to speculation Amelle Berrabah is not leaving Sugababes. Amelle and her bandmates Keisha Buchanan and Heidi Range are in rehearsals this week for forthcoming live shows and have just completed filming for the video for their new single “About You Now” which will be released on 24th September, upfront of their new studio album “Change” which is released on 8th October. There have been no auditions for a new band member. "

So what do you think? Denying an untrue story, or cleverly using silly Vicky as a marketing tool?

Thursday, 30 August 2007

Tatt's a little bit messy, Jesse - 30th August

August 30th: Jesse whined on: “Those girls I was photographed with meant nothing to me. I’d never betray Nadine. “I still love her and it is my dream that we get back together soon.” Don't hold your breath, mate.

August 13th:
YOU heard it from me first – and here’s the proof that NADINE COYLE is back with Desperate Housewives hunk JESSE METCALFE.

UPDATE: September 3rd:
"In another twist just three weeks ago, it looked like Nadine had forgiven him when she was snapped with her arms around him in an LA car park. But today Nadine reveals the truth behind the rumours. The singer insists Jesse NEVER cheated on her and reveals they are NOT an item again, despite those infamous pictures."

Do I even need to remind anyone which journalist took those "infamous pictures" as PROOF that Nadine and Jesse were back together? One of the pictures is reprinted today with the caption "
Saying goodbye ... couple's embrace was not a sign they were getting back together."

Only a fool would have jumped to that conclusion.

Saturday, 18 August 2007

Foo Fighters in V big surprise - 18th August,,4-2007380333,00.html

"THIS Is A Call for all FOO FIGHTERS fans – you can expect an extra-special surprise today at the V Festival. I can reveal the band are going to pack a punch with a top secret gig. I hear from impeccable sources that they are also planning a surprise for their fans. They will be playing an EXTRA set today, using another name. The band will be billed as 606 and are set to perform at 1pm on the smaller Channel 4 stage in Chelmsford. 'Somehow they have managed to keep it top secret so there wasn't a big circus around it.' Until now that is...oops!"

Ah here we are again in the Land of I Can Reveal. It doesn't seem to matter that Dave Grohl has made no secret of their potential smaller gigs, leading NME back in May to headline a piece "Foo Fighters to play secret festival slots" (click picture above). He said "I don’t want to give away any suprises and I know we’re playing the big stages, but you might want to keep an eye on the side stages too.”

No, this is Vicky revealing it to us, 3 months later. A cursory glance at Foo Fighters messageboards also shows that fans have been on the ball about this for several weeks now.

Thursday, 9 August 2007

Scary Spice's second splice - 9th August,,2007360705,00.html

Another day, another fake WORLD EXCLUSIVE. Funny how this morning this was just a plain old EXCLUSIVE, but has now been upgraded for some unfathomable reason.

Once again the story was reported elsewhere before Vicky got hold of it. Even the TMZ website has the decency to credit Perez Hilton with breaking the news... Maybe Vicky is trying to work out who it's better to piss off - Perez or Rebekah...

Then of course there's turning a publicist's statement:

"The couple, who are both 32, had wanted to keep the ceremony out of the public eye as they planned a more formal wedding for friends and family later in the year. Melanie and Stephen felt that they were at a good point in their lives and wanted to make a private commitment to each other. They have been good friends for many years."

into quotes from Mel B herself.

"Last night Mel said: “Stephen and I have known each other for seven years. We wanted to make a commitment. We wanted it to be private and have a big wedding with our families later in the year.”


UPDATE - 10th August.

"I exclusively revealed in yesterday’s paper that Mel had tied the knot with old friend Stephen."

Can you smell burning? I think Vicky's pants are on fire!

Wednesday, 8 August 2007

Brit's crazy for it - 8th August,,4-2007360707,00.html

I reckon Vicky thinks this story about Britney Spears might be a WORLD EXCLUSIVE. I'm not sure whether it's the way WORLD EXCLUSIVE is printed in the newspaper, or the way WORLD EXCLUSIVE is on the front page of The Sun's website, as well as it saying WORLD EXCLUSIVE on the front page of Bizarre. Also, surprisingly, it says WORLD EXCLUSIVE on the actual page of the article too. What do you think she's trying to say with this?

Perhaps it's that no-one else has this story? I suspect that might be it. I'm going to have to assume that by WORLD, Vicky means WORLD (except America), as their equivalent of 'heat' magazine, Us Weekly, had this story and pictures on the front cover of their magazine yesterday (see mag cover above).

Rebekah has already chewed Vicky's ear for missing the Pete Doherty interview, might not be a good idea to be claiming a fake WORLD EXCLUSIVE at this point...

Friday, 3 August 2007

Blink and you'll miss it hypocrisy - 3rd August,,4-2007350825,00.html

Ah, those heady days of January 2007, when Celebrity Big Brother and Jade Goody prompted The Sun to run with the headline 'EVICT THE FACE OF HATE' alongside various pictures of Jade in mid blink, yawn, or whatever made her look like a Nazi. This down partly to the fact that Jade had called Shilpa Shetty "Shilpa Poppadom".

Yet, a little over 6 months later, Vicky seems to think it's okay to label a photograph of Hilary Duff dressed in vaguely ethnic clothing as "Hilary Poppaduff". By 11am the caption had been changed, but not before "PrtScn" had been hit on Darwin's keyboard... Click the picture above to see the before and after.

In a similar manner, going back once again to this article in which The Sun denounced the word 'chav' as being on a par with 'paki' and 'chinky', today Vicky gives us Kerry Katona wearing "chavvy" clothes. What is this? Stereotype Friday?

Saturday, 21 July 2007

The Madia: Mad's mob flick - 21st July,,4-2007330718,00.html

A quick note to start - saying Timbaland equates to 'gangster' is about as accurate as saying Ronan Keating equates to 'thrash metal'. But onto other matters - Chris Paciello and the film Madonna apparently wants to make about his life.

"In the early Nineties Madge was completely smitten with Paciello, who worked as a “nightclub investor” at the time.
She was introduced to the tough her best pal INGRID CASARES and started a passionate two-year relationship."

There were rumours - never confirmed - that Madonna and Paciello were dating. It was in 1997, not the 'early nineties', and they were rumours which lasted for about 2 months, not 2 years.

"My well-placed Madonna source said: “He led Madonna astray in 1992/1993 and most of her friends were unhappy about their relationship at the time."

I dread to think where this source is 'placed', as according to their timeline, Madonna was hanging out with him at the same time he was murdering people on behalf of the Mafia in New York, a year or two before he even moved to Miami and met Ingrid Casares - they didn't even meet until 1995.

"But I can reveal that following his release she has met him three times in the past six months to discuss making a movie about his life with her film company Maverick. A shortlist of stars has been drawn up for the project including MARK WAHLBERG, JOHN CUSACK and star of massive American sci-fi series Heroes MILO VENTIMIGLIA."

This all seemingly despite the fact that a well-received film has already been made about it, starring none other than Mark Wahlberg's brother, Donnie. It was shown on TV in the US in March 2007. Mark Wahlberg was attached to a similar project that fell through in 2004.

Wednesday, 18 July 2007

New Kasabian EP is bang on - 18th July,,4-2007330097,00.html

"KASABIAN have capped an epic summer by announcing a surprise new EP — and the title track Fast Fuse has blown me away. I had the first listen to Fast Fuse yesterday and it is straight out of the rock and roll top drawer."

"the first listen", eh? I can only assume that means that nobody was listening to Zane Lowe's Radio 1 show on Monday night when he played it? Or XFM when they played it that night too? Even Kasabian's PR people sent out an email to thousands of people with the image above on Monday evening, to let fans know it was being played.

This "surprise new EP" has also been on the release schedules since the end of June, and fans on their official forum have been talking about it for a couple of weeks...

Mel B: New man has a big one - 18th July,,4-2007330116,00.html

Simple one today - the picture on the left isn't Stephen Belafonte, it's Mel B's ex husband Jimmy Gulzar. It's almost like Vicky is saying they all look the same! Click the pic to make it large.

Monday, 16 July 2007

James goes Back To Blunt - 14th July,,4-2007320575,00.html

"But James flew me out to his £1miilion Ibiza hideaway to hear his new songs - and insists he is relaxed about the expectations on him to deliver another chart-topping triumph."

Yes, James did fly Vicky all that way. She just forgets to mention that it was along with FORTY FIVE other hacks from various sources. Not exactly the one-on-one exclusive hearing she's implying...

Friday, 22 June 2007

Russell Brand's bedroom panic - 22nd June,,4-2007280850,00.html

"RUSSELL BRAND has let me into a little bedroom secret – he’s had a PANIC ALARM fitted in his boudoir. After his gig at London’s Soho Theatre, the hairy funnyman told me: “I’ve got a panic alarm beside my bed.”"

Not exactly a 'secret', as aside from telling Vicky he also told all the listeners of his Radio 2 show the exact same thing on Sunday past. I guess Vicky isn't enough of a fan to listen to the radio...

Spice Girls return is certain - 22nd June,,4-2007280820,00.html

"But the girls have been in the studio recording a new single and I hear they plan to re-release their greatest hits."

In order to re-release something, you'd have to have released it before. The Spice Girls have yet to release any Greatest Hits compilations.