Wall's got a new gal pal - 12th June

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007270066,00.html

"Then the Little Britain star went and spoiled it by later taking the actress to GEORGE MICHAEL’s house following the superstar’s sell-out Wembley gig. All straightness was scuppered, especially as gay favourite GERI HALLIWELL was also invited along to the do."

Yet another bordering-on-offensive 'gay-o-meter' story to fill a few column inches (poor Vicky can't be coping well without being able to fill half a page with a picture of Paris Hilton).

Just so we're all aware, if you go inside a gay man's house this now officially means YOU MIGHT BE GAY. Straight men cannot be friends with gay men, this is a MYTH. There must be BUMSEX involved. The presence of two heterosexual women matters not a jot.

In other news, you can catch AIDS off a toilet seat, and kissing gets you pregnant.

George's gig dig aimed at stars - 11th June

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007260824,00.html

"After singing Freedom, when a blow-up figure of Prince Charles as the Statue of Liberty holding a gun appeared on stage, he said..."

I reckon he should have said "Oi, Vicky, it's actually Tony Blair. And it's a missile, not a gun."

Re-Brag - 1st June

Back on May 17th, Vicky did, amazingly, genuinley, exclusively reveal that Amy Winehouse was getting married. Well done, Vick! In amongst endless pictures of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, with the same words in a different order, a real piece of news. And doesn't Vicky like to remind us!

May 19th - "AMY WINEHOUSE is a married woman, I can exclusively reveal. She wed Blake Fielder-Civil in a secret ceremony in downtown Miami yesterday morning — as I said earlier this week that they would."

May 21st - "The Rehab singer tied the knot with Blake on Friday in Miami after being engaged for just a month, as I exclusively revealed on Saturday."

May 23rd - "Amy’s dad Mitchell has told how he was gutted not to be at the secret wedding on Friday — which I exclusively tipped you off about last week."

May 25th - "As I revealed, Amy’s shock wedding was a huge surprise to her parents."

June 1st - "Bizarre exclusively revealed the couple had tied the knot in Miami two weeks ago."

OKAY, WE GET IT!

Songwriter Tom learns to McFly - 22nd May

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007230497,00.html

"McFly’s single, the double A-side Baby’s Coming Back/Transylvania, reached No1 last week and marked the TENTH chart-topper Tom has penned."

No it didn't. 'Baby's Coming Back' is a cover of a track by Jellyfish, and Transylvania was written solely by McFly bandmate Dougie Poynter.

In fact overall the achievement is not quite as spectacular as Vicky is making out. She refers to McFly's hits as being "penned" by Tom, and to Busted's hits as being "co-written" by him. But looking in more detai at the McFly number one singles, there was only one which Tom "penned" by himself - All About You - and that was the official Comic Relief charity single in 2005, so arguably would have topped the charts regardless. And how many other writers are credited on the rest of these number ones?

5 Colours In Her Hair - 2 (Fletcher/Jones)
Obviously - 3 (Fletcher/Jones/Bourne)
I'll Be OK - 3 (Fletcher/Jones/Poynter)
Please, Please - 5 (Fletcher/Jones/Poynter/Judd/Perry)
Star Girl - 7 (Fletcher/Jones/Poynter/Judd/Perry/Emery/Carter)

I don't think we're talking about the next Bob Dylan here...

Robbie & Guy Back For Good - 19th May

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007230156,00.html

Not much of an exclusive when Holy Moly had this story on their front page yesterday. How ironic that their piece ends with "Bet this ends up in The Sun tomorrow."

"Back in April 2005 I reported how the pair were talking again after a three-year feud."

Ah Vicky, but then you forgot how in November 2006 you reported that they hadn't spoken since 2003.

"They fell out after Rob signed a £30 million deal with EMI."

It was £80 million, not 30.

Vicky On MySpaz

Well done Vicky! 28 months after everyone else, you got yerself a MySpace profile.

And she's made it a family affair including her graduation photo with her mum and dad.

Next time she criticises someone's fashion sense, just remember this photo of her wearing a dead Muppet. Her recreation of the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" advert is also good.

Her lackeys Gordon Smart and Simon Rothstein also have profiles, and even Vicky's predecessor Dominic Mohan has one.

Vicky gets PWNED

A few months ago, one of Vicky's lackeys, John Cole, wrote a piece called "Baby rumous for sober Church." This led to Charlotte Church having to reveal her pregnancy earlier than she wanted to. She contacted the Press Complaints Commission. They upheld her complaint.

Which means The Sun was forced to publish this today. Quite why they haven't seen fit to remove the original article is anyone's guess.

Vicky's Bizarre Outfit

It's hard to tell whether Sun columnist Victoria Newton, 46, is chav or chic with this curious ensemble. My snapper caught her off guard at her employer's weekend away at a caravan park. The designer luggage didn't exactly match the saggy tracksuit - and it looks like that's not all that's sagging either.

Paying homage to her roots with the Liverpool FC scarf was a nice touch, considering how much Liverpool hates The Sun. Unfortunately the combination of the tracksuit, brown luggage and scarf makes Vicky look like a cross between a council-estate mum and Paddington Bear. Perhaps like that furry creature, she should have a tag attached to her saying "Please look after this hair."

I wonder if there's any marmalade in those bags? She certainly looks as though she's been getting through a few jars!

(How does that medicine taste, dear? Familiar?)

Congratulations on the award, Vicky!

From Media Guardian:

"The Sun's Bizarre team scooped the top gong at last night's 21st Shafta Awards.

The tabloid's showbiz column won the Princess Margaret award for the claim that The Priory inmates Pete Doherty, Justin Hawkins and Tom Keane were getting together to form a band.

Under the headline "Stupor Group", the story ran last August. Alas, Tom Keane said in this week's Q magazine: "Justin Hawkins wasn't even there. If you could see the scenes and the people in The Priory you wouldn't even think it worthy of an article in Bizarre. It made me really angry and really nervous.""

Unsurprisingly, Vicky left that last part out of her article yesterday.

Up and Down with Britney - 28th April

April 20th: IT'S not only Britney's career opportunities that have deflated of late. Now she's out of rehab it seems Ms Spears' pneumatic boobs have had the wind knocked out of them too.

April 24th: HERE is BRITNEY SPEARS dancing her way back into shape. The singer was pictured looking toned and tanned going into the Millennium Dance Studio in LA yet again yesterday. Britney has definitely been working on those abs, as you can see from my pictures of her in a skimpy pink top, denim skirt and fishnet stockings.

April 28th: BRITNEY SPEARS should clearly take lessons in how to wear hotpants from NADINE COYLE. Britney, meanwhile, showed off her new slimline figure in tiny shorts and fishnets as she left an LA dance studio with her kids. But unlike Nadine, she looked desperate. We know you’ve lost weight, Britney – you can get dressed now.

MAKE YOUR BLOODY MIND UP, WOMAN!

Lily to sing at Diana concert - 26th April

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007190250,00.html

"Queen of Chavs Lily will play the Queen of Hearts memorial gig in front of a massive global TV audience."

Ah, still up to her old bigotry. Perhaps someone should print this off and stick it to her screen?

And I do love the irony of Vicky having a pop at an "ill-informed exclusive".

Robbie's Rudebox up for award - 24th April

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007180822,00.html

"ROBBIE WILLIAMS has been nominated for an Ivor Novello award for his single Rudebox. And, yes, you DID read that correctly. Robbie’s self-penned track, which I crowned The Worst Single In History, is shortlisted for one of the top honours for British songwriting."

Either Vicky hasn't bothered looking into it, or she's twising reality to suit her own ends, but the award Robbie is up for isn't what she makes it out to be. Here's a quote from an awards spokesman on the This Is London website: "The nominations are based on statistical data and the award is for the song by a British writer that has sold the most around the world."

So it actually has little to do with the quality of the song, and everything to do with how many copies it sold. But that wouldn't make much of a story, or enable her to churn out 350 words of ill-informed rubbish, would it?

Jord's a booby Oompa Loompa - 23rd April

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007180660,00.html

Times must be hard over at Bizarre judging by today's sources. Apparently "America's verdict" on Katie Price and Peter André's TV show has been given. I'm sure "katie/lynn", a member of the E! Online messageboards will be thrilled to find that a thread she started yesterday with a few throwaway comments has turned her into the voice of America. (Funny how the username "katie/lynn", which could mean any number of things, has turned into her apparent real name of Katie Lynn.)

Vicky managed to leave out the parts where the lovely "katie/lynn" refers to Pete as a "flamer", and little lad Harvey as "a fatty boomba-latty". Or how about "Mother of the year?? Oh brother, only in England would a hooker be named mother of the year."

She's as Nad as hell at Jesse - 21st April

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007180519,00.html

"The GIRLS ALOUD singer was furious after the actor was snapped holding hands with another girl... I've decided the Desperate Housewives love rat has to go straight in at No 1 in my Shaggers League."

Riiiiight, so now in VickyWorld, holding hands constitutes a shag? Is that why we never see Jesse's right hand in photographs, because he has a penis growing on the palm?

Rod's wedding Taylor made - 17th April

April 2nd 2007: "ROD STEWART and PENNY LANCASTER’s wedding plans are such a closely guarded secret, even family members don’t know where the ceremony will be. But I can put them all out of their misery — it is going to be on an Italian island in mid-June and the smart money is on Capri."

April 17th 2007: "I can reveal the pair are to tie the knot at the exclusive Portofino resort on the Italian Riviera in June and are flying all their guests over by private jet. The actual location for the wedding is a closely guarded secret."

Star Joss dropping like a Stone - 12th April

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007160664,00.html

So desperate is Vicky to have a pop at Joss Stone at every opportunity, she's even started re-using old headlines.

"She has dropped ten places to 78th in the Popscores list"

So...she was only at number 68 to begin with? Hardly the "plummet" we're led to believe.

Robbie will sing with Take That - 7th April

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007160136,00.html

"I’VE lost count of the number of times a ROBBIE WILLIAMS reunion with TAKE THAT has been either on or off."

Poor Vicky can't even count up from zero! Because it's never been on OR off. There just seems to be a certain type of showbiz journalist who gets desperate for stories and so creates rumours about Robbie rejoining Take That. Not mentioning any Victoria Newton names.

Highly amusingly, Vicky has taken this story from that bastion of journalism the Stoke Sentinel who published the story yesterday. Not that she credits the source, obviously. Far better to make it look like the quotes have been given to her directly.

"The get well cards and messages you all sent in to me to pass on to Rob obviously helped do the trick!"

Oh seriously Vicky, get a bloody grip.

Has Street hunk 'Ad it? - 3rd April

Last week, it was confirmed that Donatella Versace's daughter Allegra is suffering from anorexia. As reported in Bizarre, she is "seriously ill", and it's a "cruel disease". A pretty straighforward article, no jokes, no bitchiness.

Now let's move on to another celebrity who has suffered with eating disorders, Adam Rickitt. A picture of him appears where he doesn't look well, he too is "painfully thin". Does he get treated the same? Oh no. Adam is "washed-up". He's a "failed pop star" and "failed politician". He's "'ad it". Very sensitive, Vicky! I guess Adam's bulimia wasn't one of those facts you remembered "for a long time"?

Mel C: I'll Spice up Take That - 4th April

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007150424,00.html

"Mel, whose album This Time is out in May, says..."

Nope, it came out 2 days ago...

Ritchie's scary tough Guy look - 4th April

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007150413,00.html

"His BRITNEY SPEARS-style skinhead also exposes an old wound on his cheek which does even more to make him resemble a thug."

So...shaving his head made the scar on his cheek visible? Did we miss the photos in which his hair was like the above illustration? Quick lesson for Vicky - hair is on the head, cheek is on the face.