VickyWatch: Mission Complete

The time has come. After nearly making it to a whole year, VickyWatch is being laid to rest. I think the job has been done. It got press attention, important people read it, The Sun monkeys changed their stories after checking it every day. It's even going to be in a TV documentary soon.

I was going to write a piece tomorrow saying how there hadn't been any mistakes this week, and then EXCLUSIVELY REVEAL that it's because Vicky is on holiday at the moment. But then today it was announced that she is leaving the Bizarre column for pastures new. Sort of. Incredibly, despite years of incompetence, mistakes and lies, Vicky has been promoted to Head of Features and Entertainment. At some point soon you'll be reading Gordon Smart's Bizarre. This is Gordon Smart:


Go here and you can see more pics of shirtless Gordon, and also a photo of his wife in bed asleep. (EDIT: Except you can't now, because he's deleted the photos - check out his MySpace instead.) So good luck to Gordon. I hope I don't have to start a blog for you too...

Of course good luck to Vicky as well. It just goes to show that at The Sun, it doesn't matter how many lies you tell or how bad you are at your job, a great pair of tits is always a winner.

Au revoir!

Darwin
x

Biker girl Brit gets touched up - 6th November

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/article433441.ece

"BRITNEY SPEARS is almost unrecognisable in this newly released promotional shot for her upcoming album Blackout. Blackout - which entered the UK charts at No2 on Sunday - is set to go to No1 in the American Billboart chart this weekend and has become Britney's fastest selling album ever in the UK."

So this is an upcoming album which went on sale last Monday? Okay...

For "newly released" read "one of the photos which is in the CD booklet" - see here.

Ronan and lads reunion tour - 5th November

Ronan Keating's website, Sunday 4th November: There have been lots of Boyzone rumours flying around lately. I always said you would be the first to know of any news, so... On Friday 16th November the five members of Boyzone will be reforming for a special exclusive performance for the BBC's 'Children In Need' show!!

Vicky on the Sun website, Monday 5th November: The Boyz – or should that be Men – are reuniting to play at BBC’s Children In Need this month, where they will perform a medley of old hits. And lead singer RONAN KEATING chose his favourite showbiz column to break the happy news in a phone call to me yesterday.

Download FREE Minogue mix - 2nd November

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/article421057.ece

"The Ozzy pop rocket releases her tenth collection X on November 26, but if you can’t wait that long I’ve got my hands on a nifty mega-mix of fresh songs that should conclusively whet your appetite."

Ozzy? Anyway... "I've got my hands on" Well it's taken you a while, Vicky, as Kylie has been offering it free from her own website since Monday. In fact the page Kylie had is just like yours minus the gratuitous Sun logos...

'Mucca's a compulsive liar' - 1st November

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/article413024.ece

It was set in stone that the moment Heather Mills started to rant about tabloid lies that one journalist would immediately get on the defensive. Yep, our Vicky. It was hard not to overdose on irony this morning reading Vicky's equally barmy tirade.

"The fact is she’s told so many lies that I’m sure she is now unable to tell fact from fiction."

I really think this needs to be the new quote at the top of the page, don't you?

Take That star's hospital agony - 27th October

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/article394455.ece

A statement was published on Take That's official website yesterday, informing people that band member Howard Donald was in hospital and wouldn't be taking part in last night's show in Vienna.

This, somehow, not only got turned into an EXCLUSIVE by Vicky, but has ended up on the front page of the newspaper as the day's main story. Now, is it an exclusive because no-one else had the story, or an exclusive because no-one in their right mind would consider a story about a member of a reformed boyband being injured as being more important that any other news story in the entire world? I think it just shows quite how low The Sun is sinking.

New Brit tracks on The Sun - 23rd October

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/article378673.ece

"BRITNEY SPEARS is back. And this is the only place on the entire planet you can listen to FIVE tracks from her new album."

Yes...apart from the website linked on the bottom of the media player -

http://www.gimmemorebritney.co.uk/

which is where it has been pilfered from in the first place.

New Spice Girls track leaked - 23rd October

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/article366711.ece

"THE new SPICE GIRLS single Headlines was leaked on the internet yesterday – weeks before the planned release. The girls’ label EMI called in legal eagles to get the audio recording taken off YouTube. But SPORTY, POSH, GINGER, SCARY and BABY kindly let me have the first full listen to the track yesterday. And I can reveal it is classic Spice ballad material in the style of 2 Become 1 – their No1 from 1996."

The full track has not leaked on the internet, it was a 30-second clip which was legally given to the Amazon.com website in the US. People then ripped this clip and uploaded it to YouTube.

But if the full song had leaked, which Vicky is claiming, then that means people would have heard it. So how can she have had the "first full listen"? That doesn't even make sense.

Shaun takes on X Factor winner - 19th October

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/article360587.ece

"SHAUN THE SHEEP is hot to trot to land this year's festive chart-topper, I can reveal. And WALLACE & GROMIT's pal could be the main challenger to the winner from the X Factor herd because I hear his track Life's A Treat is not half baa-d. And he has had words of encouragement from comic VIC REEVES - his voice in 1995's Oscar-winning short film Wallace and Gromit in A Close Shave."

Where to start? "I hear...it's not half baa-d" - an opinion that could be formed by any 3 year-old who watches the Shaun the Sheep TV series, as "Life's A Treat" is the theme tune.

Vic Reeves didn't do Shaun's voice in A Close Shave - Shaun doesn't speak, and never has. He just bleats.

The Vic Reeves connection is that he performs "Life's A Treat", and it will be Vic who actually performs the Christmas single - so it won't even be Shaun the Sheep in the running for the Christmas number one, it'll be Vic Reeves.

Ewe need to do better research, Vicky.

Amy arrested by Norway cops - 19th October

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/article362661.ece

Ooh, naughty naughty! No, not Amy, I mean Danielle Lawler, sticking EXCLUSIVE on this article which was published this morning, when it was the HolyMoly website which broke the story at around 8pm last night. Websites from New York to Melbourne have credited Holy Moly for it, but not our good old Bizarre column!

Hear Orson's new album first - 15th October

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/article344282.ece

"ORSON return next Monday with a brand new album, but you can listen to it here first. I’ve got my hands on Culture Vultures before anyone else on the planet and am streaming the entire 11 track collection below."

Anyone else on the planet? So how did Female First review it last week? Or you could go along to 7Digital, where you can also listen to previews of every track.

Razorlight future is uncertain - 15th October

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/article340902.ece

THE future of RAZORLIGHT doesn’t look too sharp – I can reveal JOHNNY BORRELL is working on solo projects. Another insider told me: “It’s been on the cards for a while because no one can stand working with him. The band are on the brink of splitting up – everybody just wants to move on now.”

FemaleFirst, August 28th: Rocker JOHNNY BORRELL's RAZORLIGHT bandmates are begging him to release a solo record - because he's too creative for one band. Borrell is so obsessed with music, drummer Andy Burrows fears he'll explode if he can't find other ways to express himself. Burrows says, "I really wish he would do a solo record. He's got material coming out of his ears, that goes does not stop working. He writes on tour, he writes in his sleep, he writes all the bloody time. There's so much great stuff."

Brit's a hit with raunchy album - 13th October

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/article336307.ece

"Last month I told you I’d had the first listen to the album and it was actually quite good. Now I can reveal the cover and tracklist."

Let's translate this:

"Last month I copied a 3 week-old article from Entertainment Weekly and listened to some songs on YouTube and told you I'd had the first listen to the album. Now despite having listened to it before, I'm only now telling you the tracklist, even though if I'd already heard the album, I should have been able to reveal the tracklist two weeks ago - right? Oh, and by "I can reveal" I actually mean "I cut and pasted this from the numerous celebrity blogs which had it on Friday afternoon.""

Rock stars Q up to bore us - 10th October

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/article321133.ece

"SADLY, this year’s Q Awards heralded one of the most uneventful evenings ever for good old-fashioned rock ’n’ roll behaviour. Monday night could only muster some four letter words from STEREOPHONICS’ KELLY JONES and SIR PAUL McCARTNEY and — DAMON ALBARN aside — a bit of mild boozing."

'Evenings'? 'Monday night'? Was Vicky at the same awards as everyone else? Because the ones she is reporting on were over and done with by 3pm. Even the BBC website had a rundown of the winners by 3:30pm.

'Eva Longoria' sex tape on web - 1st October

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2004580002-2007450554,00.html

'Showbiz Exclusive' - or story doing the rounds since last Thursday. It's a fine line!

First listen of Britney album - 29th September

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007450301,00.html

"But I’m the first journalist in the world to hear her new album and I can tell you — BRITNEY’s back, bitch!"

This one's a classic. It's a WORLD EXCLUSIVE. Our very own Vicky has had the world's first listen to the new Britney album. She's so excited by it that she's only managed to review three of the tracks though, and name two of the others. Which is a bit weird.

Or could it be that at the moment, only five tracks have been confirmed for the album, and, er, four of them were reviewed by Entertainment Weekly nearly 3 weeks ago? And which tracks were they given to listen to? Oh! It's Piece of Me, Radar, Break the Ice and Heaven on Earth - funnily enough the exact same songs Vicky mentions!

Entertainment Weekly: 'Piece of Me' kicks off with her standard breathy-sexy growl over a thumping hook: ''I'm Mrs. American dream/ Since I was 17.'' Then things get darker: ''I'm Mrs. Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous/I'm Mrs. 'Oh my God, that Britney's shameless'/ I'm Mrs. 'Extra, extra, this just in' / I'm Mrs. 'She's too fat, now she's too thin.'''

Vicky: It opens with the line: “I’m Mrs American Dream, since 17, they want a piece of me.” The chorus really hits home with a message about the crazy publicity circus surrounding the fallen pop princess. She sings: “I’m successful, rich and famous, I’m Mrs Oh My God I’m Britney Shameless, I’m Mrs Extra, Extra, This Just In, I’m Mrs She’s Too Big, She’s Too Thin.”

"Ah, but Vicky has lyrics to 'Heaven on Earth' which EW didn't publish!" I hear you cry. Well, it's pretty easy - the song has been floating around the internet for about a month. Have a listen yourself, and then click on 'more' where it says "This is a leaked demo..." and you too can copy and paste lyrics into any document you like.

So I think we can surmise from this that Vicky hasn't heard the new album at all, or certainly no more than is already publicly available.

Char gives birth to baby girl - 22nd September

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007440185,00.html

"CHARLOTTE CHURCH is the proud mother of a baby girl — but was told she was expecting a boy."

Really? So how come 3 weeks ago, Bizarre printed this:

"GUTTED CHARLOTTE CHURCH wanted to call her baby Ava — but MYLEENE KLASS beat her to it. Charlotte and lover GAVIN HENSON, 25, may call the tot Lucius if it is a boy."

So why would they be 'gutted' at not being able to use a girl's name if they had been told they were expecting a boy, as Vicky's lackey is claiming today? One of the stories is a lie, it seems.

Kylie's new album is X-rated - 22nd September

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007440152,00.html

"Kylie’s X, her first studio album in four years, will be released on November 10"

Considering this whole article has been written off the back of a press release that went out yesterday, you'd think Vicky could get the date right - the album comes out on November 26th. Screenshot.

Never Mind, It's Bollocks

Poor Vicky, must have got confused between two places! But what's 200 miles between venues, eh? It's been changed now, of course.

On another note, let's have a look at what Vicky's rivals over at the Mirror, the 3AM Girls, have to say today.

"Which gossipmonger who's been harping on about celebs being banned from the Chateau Marmont hotel, has a life ban from the LA hotspot herself? She was shown the door after angering staff there last year."

WHO CAN THEY MEAN?

I love Kylie's two hearts - 14th September

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007420803,00.html

"KYLIE MINOGUE has chosen Bizarre-backed 2 Hearts as her new single. The Pop Princess listened to my advice and decided it should be the first release from her forthcoming album."

Yes, Vicky is actually claiming credit for helping Kylie and her record company decide what to release as a single. Despite the fact that fan sites and music forums have been abuzz with the knowledge that this would be the case for weeks now. For instance, a post on the Popjustice forum on August 28th - which Vicky caught up with 3 days later.

I suspect Vicky is excited because she was mentioned in the official press release which went out yesterday: "Writing of the song, The Sun's Victoria Newton recently said: "It is a surefire No. 1, a classic Kylie song you won't stop humming. Expect her to hit No. 1 in both charts when the single and album are released in November.""