Up and Down with Britney - 28th April

April 20th: IT'S not only Britney's career opportunities that have deflated of late. Now she's out of rehab it seems Ms Spears' pneumatic boobs have had the wind knocked out of them too.

April 24th: HERE is BRITNEY SPEARS dancing her way back into shape. The singer was pictured looking toned and tanned going into the Millennium Dance Studio in LA yet again yesterday. Britney has definitely been working on those abs, as you can see from my pictures of her in a skimpy pink top, denim skirt and fishnet stockings.

April 28th: BRITNEY SPEARS should clearly take lessons in how to wear hotpants from NADINE COYLE. Britney, meanwhile, showed off her new slimline figure in tiny shorts and fishnets as she left an LA dance studio with her kids. But unlike Nadine, she looked desperate. We know you’ve lost weight, Britney – you can get dressed now.

MAKE YOUR BLOODY MIND UP, WOMAN!

Lily to sing at Diana concert - 26th April

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007190250,00.html

"Queen of Chavs Lily will play the Queen of Hearts memorial gig in front of a massive global TV audience."

Ah, still up to her old bigotry. Perhaps someone should print this off and stick it to her screen?

And I do love the irony of Vicky having a pop at an "ill-informed exclusive".

Robbie's Rudebox up for award - 24th April

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007180822,00.html

"ROBBIE WILLIAMS has been nominated for an Ivor Novello award for his single Rudebox. And, yes, you DID read that correctly. Robbie’s self-penned track, which I crowned The Worst Single In History, is shortlisted for one of the top honours for British songwriting."

Either Vicky hasn't bothered looking into it, or she's twising reality to suit her own ends, but the award Robbie is up for isn't what she makes it out to be. Here's a quote from an awards spokesman on the This Is London website: "The nominations are based on statistical data and the award is for the song by a British writer that has sold the most around the world."

So it actually has little to do with the quality of the song, and everything to do with how many copies it sold. But that wouldn't make much of a story, or enable her to churn out 350 words of ill-informed rubbish, would it?

Jord's a booby Oompa Loompa - 23rd April

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007180660,00.html

Times must be hard over at Bizarre judging by today's sources. Apparently "America's verdict" on Katie Price and Peter André's TV show has been given. I'm sure "katie/lynn", a member of the E! Online messageboards will be thrilled to find that a thread she started yesterday with a few throwaway comments has turned her into the voice of America. (Funny how the username "katie/lynn", which could mean any number of things, has turned into her apparent real name of Katie Lynn.)

Vicky managed to leave out the parts where the lovely "katie/lynn" refers to Pete as a "flamer", and little lad Harvey as "a fatty boomba-latty". Or how about "Mother of the year?? Oh brother, only in England would a hooker be named mother of the year."

She's as Nad as hell at Jesse - 21st April

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007180519,00.html

"The GIRLS ALOUD singer was furious after the actor was snapped holding hands with another girl... I've decided the Desperate Housewives love rat has to go straight in at No 1 in my Shaggers League."

Riiiiight, so now in VickyWorld, holding hands constitutes a shag? Is that why we never see Jesse's right hand in photographs, because he has a penis growing on the palm?

Rod's wedding Taylor made - 17th April

April 2nd 2007: "ROD STEWART and PENNY LANCASTER’s wedding plans are such a closely guarded secret, even family members don’t know where the ceremony will be. But I can put them all out of their misery — it is going to be on an Italian island in mid-June and the smart money is on Capri."

April 17th 2007: "I can reveal the pair are to tie the knot at the exclusive Portofino resort on the Italian Riviera in June and are flying all their guests over by private jet. The actual location for the wedding is a closely guarded secret."

Star Joss dropping like a Stone - 12th April

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007160664,00.html

So desperate is Vicky to have a pop at Joss Stone at every opportunity, she's even started re-using old headlines.

"She has dropped ten places to 78th in the Popscores list"

So...she was only at number 68 to begin with? Hardly the "plummet" we're led to believe.

Robbie will sing with Take That - 7th April

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007160136,00.html

"I’VE lost count of the number of times a ROBBIE WILLIAMS reunion with TAKE THAT has been either on or off."

Poor Vicky can't even count up from zero! Because it's never been on OR off. There just seems to be a certain type of showbiz journalist who gets desperate for stories and so creates rumours about Robbie rejoining Take That. Not mentioning any Victoria Newton names.

Highly amusingly, Vicky has taken this story from that bastion of journalism the Stoke Sentinel who published the story yesterday. Not that she credits the source, obviously. Far better to make it look like the quotes have been given to her directly.

"The get well cards and messages you all sent in to me to pass on to Rob obviously helped do the trick!"

Oh seriously Vicky, get a bloody grip.

Has Street hunk 'Ad it? - 3rd April

Last week, it was confirmed that Donatella Versace's daughter Allegra is suffering from anorexia. As reported in Bizarre, she is "seriously ill", and it's a "cruel disease". A pretty straighforward article, no jokes, no bitchiness.

Now let's move on to another celebrity who has suffered with eating disorders, Adam Rickitt. A picture of him appears where he doesn't look well, he too is "painfully thin". Does he get treated the same? Oh no. Adam is "washed-up". He's a "failed pop star" and "failed politician". He's "'ad it". Very sensitive, Vicky! I guess Adam's bulimia wasn't one of those facts you remembered "for a long time"?

Mel C: I'll Spice up Take That - 4th April

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007150424,00.html

"Mel, whose album This Time is out in May, says..."

Nope, it came out 2 days ago...

Ritchie's scary tough Guy look - 4th April

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007150413,00.html

"His BRITNEY SPEARS-style skinhead also exposes an old wound on his cheek which does even more to make him resemble a thug."

So...shaving his head made the scar on his cheek visible? Did we miss the photos in which his hair was like the above illustration? Quick lesson for Vicky - hair is on the head, cheek is on the face.

P Diddy gigs with diddy man - 3rd April

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007150223,00.html

"P DIDDY was a no-show at COLEEN MCLOUGHLIN’s 21st bash because he had a more important birthday to attend to."

No-show, or never-supposed-to-show? Guess where the orignal story about him supposedly attending and performing at the party came from? Actually, do you even need to guess?

Arctic Monkeys storm on - 3rd April

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007150222,00.html

"The ARCTIC MONKEYS made new single Brianstorm available for download yesterday. The release comes two weeks before the CD single will be in the shops and it could well see the track go to No1 next Sunday."

Finger on the pulse of public tastes as ever, Vicky semi-predicts a number one. Shame that based on first day sales, the single has just scraped into the Top 20, and is at number 19.

"The track is the first single from brilliant second album Favourite Worst Nightmare — which I previewed exclusively on Saturday."

No you didn't.