I can still Shak-hear-ya - 28th February

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007090536,00.html

"The Latino beauty has pulled out of her second interview in a month with Bizarre, claiming her vocal cords couldn’t cope with the rigours of a 25-minute interview. Though I hear she hasn’t seemed to have the slightest trouble belting out big numbers for more than an hour at a time at gigs during her current European tour."

Perhaps Vicky needs to listen more closely, as far from not having had the "slightest trouble", earlier this month Shakira was forced to cancel one concert in Holland and two in Germany due to having bronchitis.

It's common practice for singers performing a gruelling regime of shows to rest their voice completely between concerts - even to the extent of not speaking, and certainly not for 25 minutes straight - and I would suspect even more so for singers who have not long recovered from a serious infection...

Biz Bites - 27th February

Uno: Up-to-the-minute as ever, this story is two weeks old, having first appeared (in English) in the Santiago Times on 13th February.

Dos: The story was in reference to the ticket prices in Chile, not in Brazil (although it is true that some tickets for their shows in Brazil are £100 - but there are some at £35, and to try to make up for it, the band have been giving away free tickets outside to fans who couldn't afford them.)

Tres: The quote Vicky uses is a rather condensed version of the actual quote, which was:

"We just found out how expensive they are and would like to say we are sorry. We didn’t know beforehand. The tickets of course could not have been extremely cheap because we are playing smaller venues here, but the price is a little embarrassing."

Bizarre Roundup - 23rd February

Inside Vicky's head: "Okay, that's Britney driven mental, who can I focus random and unprovoked hatred on now? Ah, Joss Stone! She'll do. Acted a bit funny at the Brits the other week. She's young, successful, talented and rich. I hate that. But wait, she's still a teenager, most of them aren't really mature or resistant to outside influence. Oh sod it, I'll assassinate her anyway."

MY team member John Coles tries to make a story out of nothing regarding Charlotte Church: "The chat show star and singer has finally quit smoking and pals have noticed she has put on a bit of weight in recent weeks." And what happens to most people when they quit smoking? They put on weight, you fool. Charlotte has also recently stated in interviews that she was only ever planning a low-key birthday celebration and has never mentioned this alleged party at the Hilton. In fact, she said "I had a big 18th and my mum said either you have a big 18th or a big 21st."

"sparking rumours" = "speculating based on little or no evidence"

UPDATE: Yeah, okay, Charlotte Church is pregnant after all!

Vicky The Bigot - 21st February

As well as Vicky calling Britney Spears a "chav" and "pikey" on the day The Sun denounced these words as being on a par with "paki" and "chinky", she doesn't seem to be learning those lessons very well.

January 30th: "THEY are some of the most offensive and ugly words in the English language. SEAN CALLEN, 12, of Southampton, hates the insult “chav scum” — a jibe at white working class people who wear brash designer clothes. It shows white people can be victims of bigots, too."

Bigots like...Victoria Newton? Today: "Wearing chunky gold earrings, it looks like lovely Lily has been taking fashion tips from chav rapper LADY SOVEREIGN."

Caprice Beats Vicky - 21st February

So there I was, about to write about the whole "Caprice in rehab" lie - denials from her agent, the fact she was in Johannesburg on Sunday night but apparently checked into The Priory on Monday, the fact that she was skiing in France yesterday - when it seems the two stories which contained the allegations now speak very clearly for themselves...

Caprice goes into rehab. Caprice leaves rehab and goes skiing.

Luckily Google News is always good for an archive...

Naughty naughty, Vicky! And you called Britney "Pinocchio"...

Vicky is Some People - 19th February

Victoria Newton - February 14th: "[Robbie] suffered agonies as Take That’s reunion tour became one of the biggest pop events of 2006. Their comeback single Patience went straight in at No1 and stayed there for six weeks*. Their new album Beautiful World also went straight to No1 and has sold 1.5 million copies. By contrast, Robbie’s first single from his new album Rudebox went in at a disappointing No 4. And the album stayed at No1 for only a week. And he has been forced to accept that the Take That reunion tour has overshadowed his own record breaking Close Encounters tour."

Howard Donald of Take That (quoted in The Sun) - February 19th: "I’ve been calling him loads. I’m upset some people think it’s our success that’s made him depressed."

*actually 4 weeks.

Williams is mad on movie - 19th February

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007080106,00.html

"ROBBIE WILLIAMS’ She’s Madonna video – which sees the troubled star in DRAG, left – was inspired by the picture below. The snap shows Madge playing a Twenties lounge singer in 1989 movie Bloodhounds Of Broadway."

So...he paid tribute to Madonna's black Louise Brooks-esque bob by wearing a shoulder-length black wig? Dressed in a full-length sequinned dress to mirror outfits such as the one pictured above? And paid tribute to a film about a party in 1920s New York by setting a video in a modern transvestite bar? Does this aspect of Vicky's story make any sense? If anything, he looks more like she did in the 'Nothing Really Matters' video...which just happens to have been directed by Johan Renck - the same person who directed 'She's Madonna'.

(P.S. - Madonna's character in the film is a famous showgirl/dancer, not a lounge singer.)

Vicky For Vendetta - 19th February

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2007080148,00.html

"While I’ve criticised her for not sorting herself out after dumping loser Kevin Federline, no one could feel anything but sympathy for this poor young girl who is obviously suffering from a breakdown. Now she wishes everyone — the fans, the media, her advisers — would just leave her alone."

Oh here we go - one of Vicky's trademark 180s! A sudden outpouring of sympathy from a journalist who has been doggedly criticising Britney at every turn, no matter what she does for months on end now.

Let's have a look. "With a diet like that I doubt she is going to shift much." "Pinocchio of Pop" "...sweaty, puffy face..." "Britney’s nails are completely chewed down to the quick – and her nail varnish is flaking off. Very unnattractive." (this in an article entitled "PRIORITIES?" and claiming Britney prefers a dog to her son).

And let's not forget the article which starts "Meet Britney's chav-a-likes. With Brit's transformation from beauty to chav complete, meet her pikey role models." Britney is then described as "gormless", compared to Waynetta Slob with "One of the above is a bawdy, grotesque caricature who smokes like a chimney, gives her offspring ludicrous names and despises the lout she married. The other's played by Kathy Burke." and implies she is a "fat slag". This article has since been removed from The Sun's website, no doubt due to the fact that it was published under the Bizarre banner on the day the paper made a song and dance about how horrendous it is in this day and age to use words such as, um, "chav" and "pikey".

In fact out of the 43 editions of Bizarre there have been this year, guess how many times Britney has been mentioned? Yep - 43.

"Ever since she burst on to the pop scene at 15 wearing the provocative school uniform outfit with pigtails in Hit Me Baby (One More Time) she’s been screaming: Look At Me."

Two things here. Firstly, she was 16 when her first single was released (in fact two months shy of 17). Secondly, the song is called "...Baby One More Time". Have a look at the cover.

The Two Faces Of Victoria Newton - 17th February

Friday February 16th: "Going home empty-handed from the Brits had obviously got to the pint-sized singer. Earlier, she had vented her anger by slamming rival AMY WINEHOUSE after the Rehab singer stole the show. She was overheard moaning to a cabbie that Amy had nabbed her spot on stage. She said: “She’s so houndish.” That means a dog in my book. Charming."

Saturday February 17th: "LILY ALLEN has hit back at ludicrous claims she had a bust-up with AMY WINEHOUSE after her close pal won Best Female at the Brits. One ill-informed rag claimed it was because she and mate Amy had had a slanging match."

Which ill-informed journo had Lily slagging off Amy one day and calling them rivals, and 24 hours later describes them as close pals and mates? Wouldn't be you, would it, Vicky?

I wanna be like you-hoo-hoo - 16th February

Thanks to blogger 'andy' for spotting this one.

Yesterday Vicky reported that Noel Gallagher said this on the radio: "If you take drugs, you end up in rehab unless you’re a f****** rock like me — and then you just give them up."

Today Vicky reported that Liam Gallagher said this directly to her: "If you take drugs, you end up in rehab unless you’re like me."

The quote from Liam has since been removed from this article - unfortunately not in time to stop scores of other websites using it and attributing it to Liam. Take a look at Google News.

Milli Vanilli: At the movies - 16th February

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2004580002-2007070672,00.html

"A HOLLYWOOD movie about fake pop duo Milli Vanilli is in the pipeline. Universal Pictures will be producing the film with Catch Me If You Can director JEFF NATHANSON on board."

He wrote Catch Me If You Can, not directed it. The director was some bloke called Steven Speilberg.

UPDATE: The Sun webmonkeys have corrected the article. Damn, should have taken a screenshot. Oh, wait - I did.

Hamster Killer - 15th February

Thanks to eagle-eyed blogger marcus for this one. Click on the pic above to see how Vicky renamed Brandon Flowers of The Killers. She didn't even get him confused with another member of the band, choosing to mix him up with a not-dead TV presenter instead.

Just a little cherry on top of what has been a whole heap of cocked-up Brits coverage today.

Be sure to check out the latest issue of Private Eye for more Vicky and MY team goodness. Three mentions in Street of Shame this time, including a great piece showing how a "quote from a fan" in this article about Kylie Minogue was actually "completely made up with the name of the writer's mate stuck on it".

Brits Again - 15th February

More rubbish on the Brits from Vicky and her team now. In 'Not a galaxy of stars this year', a piece subtitled "Newton's Theory" we get:

"THEY promised us JOHNNY DEPP and RINGO STARR, but all we got was SEAN "HAS" BEAN."

No, you claimed Johnny Depp and Ringo Starr would be there - no-one from the Brits said anything about it. Sean "Has" Bean? The same one who in the past few years has appeared in such little-known films as the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Troy, The Island, Flightplan and Silent Hill, all of which grossed over $100m each at the worldwide box office?

"But instead we got the likes of dress designer ROLAND MOURET and model ERIN O'CONNOR (who is only famous because she once romped with JAMIE THEAKSTON)."

Yes, Vicky - let's ignore that fact that she's an internationally famous multi-millionaire supermodel who has been in demand for a decade, and has worked for fellow 'unknowns' like John Galliano, Christian Dior, Donna Karan, Chanel, Prada, Versace, Giorgio Armani, Jean-Paul Gaultier and Dolce & Gabbana, and been photographed by Patrick Demarchelier, Steven Meisel, Marion Testino and Juergen Teller. She has also appeared on the cover of some little magazine called 'Vogue' on several occasions - perhaps you've heard of it?

Karl Lagerfeld said of her "She is one of the greatest models working today. Her face is like a Roman vase - not a standard beauty, but a modern anti-beauty." But let's cast all that aside and pretend all she's ever done is "romp" with an ex children's TV presenter. (And for "once romped" read "had a two year relationship".) That surely is one of the most ill-informed comments Vicky has ever made.

Meanwhile, in another piece

"Actor SEAN BEAN announced the teenage band, from his home town of Sheffield, had landed the album gong for Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not."

None of the Arctic Monkeys are teenagers. And do you think Vicky might have given herself a clue with that sentence as to why Sean "Has" Bean was asked to present the award? Hmm...

And finally, it's a shame MY team couldn't manage to get the right Mr Carr presenting the award sponsored by their own column. According to this, Best British Single was presented by the anti-smoking guru who died 3 months ago, as opposed to the very much alive comedian.

Brits - 15th February

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2007060000-2007070605,00.html

"Husky-voiced CORINNE BAILEY RAE looked stunning in a tight silver outfit performing a funked up version of her No 1 Put Your Records On."

Number 2 - it never made it to number 1 in the Official Chart.

"LIAM GALLAGHER led Oasis on stage to accept their award for Outstanding Contribution to Music from host RUSSELL BRAND after the band’s Beatles hero Ringo Starr dropped out at the last minute."

Dropped out or was never going to do it in the first place? Vicky's original article earlier this month stating Ringo would be presenting gave us a lot of hyperbole and no evidence, and let's not forget how she claimed Johnny Depp was also going to present the award originally, yet another thing which didn't happen.

An odd piece from one of Vicky's lackeys, Danielle Lawler, giving us a rundown of the 'controversial' things Russell Brand said during his presenting stint, which ends with "Playing to a live crowd is a tough feat — but Russell managed to get the right mix of comedy without being too risque."

Erm...but haven't you just spent 500 words telling us how risque he was?

Parp-parp-parp-parp-paaaarp Part 2

It has been brought to my attention that VickyWatch has been featured in an article in Press Gazette (the UK's journalism trade paper) as one of the top journalism-related blogs out here in the blogosphere. Sitting alongside the blogs of editors, reporters and academics, VickyWatch feels like Jennifer Hudson at the moment.

What drove Robbie to rehab - 14th February

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007070393,00.html

"...his Rudebox album was met with mixed reviews and disappointing sales. And he has been forced to accept that the Take That reunion tour has overshadowed his own record breaking Close Encounters tour. I think it’s a combination of those things that probably tipped him over the edge."

What about Vicky's own 'mixed review' when she heard the Rudebox single?

"...not only the worst song by him I’ve heard, it’s the worst record I’ve EVER heard (and believe me, I’ve had to listen to some sh*te in the past). It shouldn’t be allowed on grounds of taste... tuneless electro dirge...this record is probably one of the worst in history. Actually, it is THE worst in history."

Bet those comments from "the journalist who knows him best" made him feel on top of the world. No good pretending to be his best mate now...

And what's all this "last interview Robbie did before going for rehab" rubbish, referring to the August 2006 piece? How about the interview he did for The Big Issue 2 months ago? The one Vicky took quotes from for this article.

(P.S. I suspect "the journalist who knows him best" title should more likely go to a certain Mr Chris Heath who did a tiny thing like write Robbie's official biography after collaborating on it with him for two solid years. You know, someone who doesn't just 'make stuff up'.)

The Second Noel - 14th February

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2007060000-2007070363,00.html

Under Bizarre's 'special' Brits section, we have this little gem. The Photoshop monkeys have made a nice big shiny ONLY for the article above, which is a shame considering The Telegraph apparently had the ONLY interview last Thursday.

We'll come back later and see how 'Mystic' 'Vic' did with her Brits predictions, even though she spookily only bothered to predict half the awards.

UPDATE: So much for Mystic Vic - three right, three wrong. A 50% strike rate. 3 /12 - Could Do Better.

Posh gets to know Lost Angeles - 8th February

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007060411,00.html

You can always rely on Vicky (N) to keep you up to date with the news on Vicky (B). Except for this piece, based on a paraphrased quote from the blog of Vicky (B) on the DVBStyle website, which is over three weeks old. And is also in this week's 'Now' magazine (which I suspect is where Vicky got it from).

Dave makes waves after strip - 8th February

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007060418,00.html

"HERE’S TV joker DAVID WALLIAMS on holiday in Australia – and his trunks certainly seem to be, er, well packed."

He's not "on holiday" - he and Matt Lucas are currently working over there, touring the Little Britain stage show.

Then we get this frankly baffling rant:

"I’d swoon over a picture of BRAD PITT in those tiny trunks. But seeing them on David – with his unsightly man boobs and tum – just doesn’t have the same effect, does it? Quite how he managed the 22-mile charity swim to France last summer looking this out of shape I really don’t know. Perhaps the extra bulk acted as good insulation! Still, as long as the lovely Emily is not put off by his expanding girth . . . Perhaps David is planning to swap roles with his tubby TV partner MATT LUCAS?"

THIS is the sort of thing Vicky gets paid six figures for? That's not news. Look at the picture of Walliams in his trunks - "unsightly man boobs and tum"? Really? I don't see him spending five grand and employing "wizards" to Photoshop his pictures beyond all recognition. Unlike some people.

Amy's video is hard to bereave - 8th February

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007060396,00.html

We know Amy Winehouse's new single is called Back In Black, as Vicky tells us three times today (click picture for bigger version).

Quite unfortunate that the single (and indeed album) is called Back TO Black.

UPDATE: Just as well I took a screenshot, as the Sun monkeys have now changed it. (Well, in two places. They forgot the photo caption.)

Vicky's Got A Teleporter!

The use of pronouns can be a confusing thing in Bizarre World. According to today's stories, on Monday Vicky was at Lily Allen's show in Hollywood, Mika's concert in London, and the Radio 2 Folk Awards, also in London.

Lost star Michelle tagged - 7th February

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007060252,00.html

"Michelle - who played Ana-Lucia in the drama series - has been in and out of court a lot and was banged up for 60 days last year for drink driving."

No, she was sentenced to 60 days last year for parole violation and ended up spending only 4 hours and 20 minutes in jail.

UPDATE: The article has now been updated to say "Michelle - who played Ana-Lucia in the drama series - has been in and out of court a lot and spent time in jail last year for drink driving."

*waves to the little Sun monkeys* (Google News screenshot)

Bond Daniel's a dozy parker - 6th February

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007060085,00.html

Sean Hamilton, Vicky's underling, returns with another fake "Exclusive" regarding Daniel Craig being a crap parker. This was first noted on January 20th in an article on Janet Charlton's Hollywood blog.

Dita Von Teese's strip show - 6th February

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2004580002-2007060164,00.html

"MARILYN MANSON will be kicking himself when he sees these stunning pictures of his ex-wife, DITA VON TEESE. And Marilyn, who is getting divorced from Dita, must be wondering what he was thinking."

So...if they're getting divorced, then she isn't his ex-wife yet, is she?

Bizarre Articles 101

The Textbook

Okay, something a bit different today. This is a basic introduction in how to write like your heroine Vicky.

Step 1: Finding your story. Keep your ear to the ground, your eyes on the wires, or get out there and do some good old fashioned sleuthing. Or if you can't be bothered, nick something from Sunday's Observer.

Step 2: Make your first mistake as early as possible, preferably in the second sentence, as Vicky demonstrates in our example by saying "...NBC decided to make two more series of the US version of his hit comedy The Office." when in fact they have officially committed to only one more. (Mr Gervais actually makes the same mistake on his own website, which is presumably where Vicky picked this up from.)

Step 3: Ignore all logic to make your second mistake. "Now he has secured a leading role in a Hollywood rom-com — just three months after bagging a part alongside BEN STILLER and ROBIN WILLIAMS in Night At The Museum." Simply brush aside the fact that the film was released a mere 6 weeks ago, which means Ricky would have had to have been given the part, filmed it, and then let the boffins do their CGI work all in the space of about 7 weeks. Also ignore the fact that the wrap party for the film was in February 2006.

Step 4: Make an incredibly obvious statement sound like gossip by putting the the words "I hear" in front of it. For example, "I hear the new movie deal will see the Extras star rolling in extra cash." Yes ladies and gentlemen, Ricky Gervais will be PAID (in MONEY) for being in this film. Amazing, eh? How did she find that out?

Step 5: Further lessen the impact of your story by having two sources not telling you the name of a film and then passing on this non-information to your readers. It makes you look much more competent and powerful to let your readers know that PR people are refusing to tell you anything.

Step 6: Follow a statement such as "Ricky insists he’s happy as he is." by then referring to the subject as "The roly-poly actor...". This will then demonstrate that you are above your subject in both looks and personality, and that even if he claims to be happy, it's important that he (and the readers) are reminded that he is FAT.

Step 7: Re-jig the original quotes to fit your own story, giving no credit to your original source.

Step 8: Sit back for five minutes, then continue writing your 15th article of the day on Kate Moss and Pete Doherty, or Britney Spears.

That is the end of the class, please remember to take your copies of the Sunday papers with you.

These Boys don't rate Britney - 5th February

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2007050824,00.html

"I can reveal Britney’s bid to work with the PET SHOP BOYS has failed. CHRIS LOWE and NEIL TENNANT don’t rate any of her songs so they said a polite “no.”"

You can't "reveal" anything and there was no "bid", as the Pet Shop Boys themselves stated on their website last Wednesday by linking to this article with the words "Click here for a story that isn't true."

If you're going to print lies, it might be an idea to check that they haven't already been rubbished nearly a week beforehand...

(Source: Pet Shop Boys website)

Roger Dal-tea gets brew boost - 2nd February

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007050469,00.html

"FORMER wildman of rock ROGER DALTREY yesterday revealed his favourite tour tipple — FUNGUS TEA."

Would this be the "wildman" who shied away from drugs and alcohol during his years with The Who in the 60s and 70s? The same one who hated the fact that drink and drugs were affecting the band? The same one who famously flushed bandmate Keith Moon's stash down the toilet because he was sick of what it was doing to his mate? The same one who drank tea all his life?

Although I can exclusively reveal he did once have TWO sugars! Rock AND Roll!

Mika really takes the purse - 1st February

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007050304,00.html

"JUST when you thought MIKA couldn’t camp it up any more, he reveals his manbag. A manbag is an item only ultra-feminine blokes – like LIAM GALLAGHER and CRISTIANO RONALDO – would dare carry."

Erm...okay. I'm sure the "ultra-feminine" Liam Gallagher might have something to say about that.

And you know what I'm going to say now...IT'S NOT HIS DEBUT SINGLE! Jeez...

Rod the wad plays birthday gig - 1st February

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007050310,00.html

First false "exclusive" of the month comes with this story about Rod Stewart, which was rumoured 6 days ago in The New York Times (amongst other places) and confirmed 2 days ago by Radar Online.

(Screenshot)